Saturday, May 2, 2009

Top 20 Songs About Masturbation

1. The Divinyls - I Touch Myself

“Do we even need to write the lyrics here?/You know the damn thing by now don’t you? Don’t you? Fine, here it is/I don’t want anybody else/And when I think about you I touch myself/Ooh, ooh, ooh, aah.”

2. Billy Joel - Sometimes a Fantasy

"I didn't want to do it but I got too lonely/I had to call you up in the middle of the night/I know it's awful hard to try to make love long distance/But I really needed stimulation/Though it was only my imagination."

3. Billy Idol - Dancing with Myself

“When there’s no-one else in sight/In the crowded lonely night/Well I wait so long/For my love vibration/And I’m dancing with myself.”

4. Billy Squier - The Stroke

"You put your right hand out give a firm hand-shake/ Talk to me about that one big break/Spread your ear-pollution both far and wide/Keep your contributions by your side and stroke me, stroke me."

5. Britney Spears - The Touch of my Hand

“Cause I just discovered/Imagination’s taken over/Another day without a lover/The more I come to understand the touch of my hand/The small of my back/The arch of my feet/Lately I’ve been noticing the beautiful me/I’m all in my skin and I’m not gonna wait/I’m into myself in a most precious way.”

6. Cyndi Lauper - She Bop

“Do I wanna go out with a lions roar/Huh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some more/Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine/They say I better stop--or Ill go blind/Oop--she bop--she bop.”

7. The Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun

“Let me go on, like I blister in the sun/Let me go on, big hands I know your the one/Body and beats, I stain my sheets/I don’t even know why.”

8. Tori Amos - Icicle

“And when my hand touches myself/I can finally rest my head/And when they take from his body/I think I’ll take from mine instead/Getting off, getting off while they’re all downstairs.”

9. Prince - Darling Nikki

“I knew a girl named Nikki/I guess u could say she was a sex fiend/I met her in a hotel lobby/Masturbating with a magazine/She said how’d you like to waste some time/And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind.”

10. The Vapors - Turning Japanese

“This I’ve got your picture, I’ve got your picture/I’d like a million of you all round my cell/I want a doctor to take your picture/So I can look at you from inside as well/You’ve got me turning up and turning down/And turning in and turning ‘round/I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese.”

11. Madonna - Express Yourself

"What you need is a big strong hand to lift you to your higher ground/Make you feel like a queen on a throne/Make him love you till you can't come down"

12. The Who - Pictures of Lily

"Pictures of Lily made my life so wonderful/ Pictures of Lily helped me sleep at night/Pitcures of Lily solved my childhood problems/Pictures of Lily helped me feel alright".

13. Pink - Fingers

"When it’s late at night and you’re fast a sleep/I let my fingers do the walking/I press record I become a fiend/
And no one else is watching/I let my fingers do the walking"

14. Hawaiian Ryan - Weenie in a Bottle

No one wanted to be with me,Had to make my dream come true,I wanted to hump something,I didn't know what to do.
It seemed like a good idea,And no one else was around,I stuck my weenie in a bottle,And now I can't get it out!

15. Devo - Whip It

"When a problem comes along/You must whip it/Before the cream sits out too long/You must whip it/When somethings going wrong/You must whip it"

16. Save Ferris - Come on Eileen

"With you in that dress, oh my thoughts I confess verge on dirty, Ah come on eileen"

17. Green Day - Longview

"Bite my lip and close my eyes/Take me away to paradise/I'm so damn bored I'm going blind/And I smell like shit"

18. Elvis Costello - Pump it Up

Down in the pleasure centre/hell bent or heaven sent,listen to the propaganda,listen to the latest slander.
There's nothing underhand that she wouldn't understand. Pump it up until you can feel it. Pump it up when you don't really need it"

19. The Knack - My Sharona

"Ooh you make my motor run, my motor run./Gun it comin' off the line Sharona/Never gonna stop, give it up./Such a dirty mind. Always get it up for the touch of the younger kind. My my my i yi woo."

20. Tommy Tutone - 867-5309/Jenny

"Jenny, Jenny, you're the girl for me. You don't know me but you make me so happy. I tried to call you before but I lost my nerve. I tried my imagination, but I was disturbed."


  1. "Weenie in a Bottle" is NOT by Weird Al. He did write (but not record) "If I Could Make Love To A Bottle", and his classic breakup song "One More Minute" includes the line "I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love, and I have to use the self-service pump."

  2. Thanks, dude. According to Wikipedia, Parodist 'Hawaiian Ryan' recorded a spoof of the song "Genie in a Bottle", called "Weenie in a Bottle", one of the tracks from his Shaving Ryan's Privates album. This parody is often incorrectly attributed to "Weird Al" Yankovic. I have already corrected the entry to give proper credit where proper credit is due.

  3. the first time I heard this kind of song was when I was in college and I dedicate an ex-girlfriend. I think that the third is the best one on the list